The Myth of Normal 106

to do with well-being; that are, in fact, inimical to the healthy growth of the mind. “Such growth is becoming seriously endangered by modern institutions and social patterns,” according to Dr. Greenspan. “There exists a growing disregard for the importance of mind-building emotional experiences in almost every aspect of daily life including childcare, education, and family life.” We see the result in the growing numbers of children, adolescents, and youths suffering so-called mental illnesses[*] such as ADHD, depression, and anxiety, or engaging in aggressive or self-harming behaviors in person or on social media. As Dr. Gordon Neufeld told a session of the European Parliament in Brussels, “The unfolding of human potential is spontaneous but not inevitable . . . We all grow older, but we don’t all grow up. To truly ‘raise’ a child, then, would be to bring that child to his or her full potential as a human being.”[7] So why, in our modern culture, do we chronically miss that goal? The problem begins with the failure to grasp the needs of the developing child. Neufeld sums up eloquently what all young ones, whatever their temperament, need first and foremost: “Children must feel an invitation to exist in our presence, exactly the way they are.” With that need in mind, the parents’ primary task, beyond providing for the child’s survival requirements, is to emanate a simple message to the child in word, deed, and (most of all) energetic presence, that he or she is precisely the person they love, welcome, and want. The child doesn’t have to do anything, or be any different, to win that love—in fact, cannot do anything, because this abiding embrace cannot be earned, nor can it be revoked. It doesn’t depend on the child’s behavior or personality; it is just there, whether the child is showing up as “good” or “bad,” “naughty” or “nice.” Do we then ignore dangerous or unacceptable behavior? No, that wouldn’t be the loving thing to do either, since children’s needs also include guidance and orientation, which include setting boundaries. Rather, we do our best to monitor and curtail undesirable actions from an unconditionally loving place: a way of being wherein children understand that nothing they might do can threaten the relationship, even if it elicits momentary anger or requires